An Istighfar

Bismillah..

I used to think that life is damn simple. You do what you love, be happy, try not to commit sin, follow the five pillars of Islam. Then you'll go to heaven.

I used to follow where my heart led me to, because I believe it always speaks the truth.

I used to think that happiness is doing what I love.

I was wrong.

Life is still simple. But you are obliged to learn and do more than what's basics. Somewhere down the road, every life will be forced to take a new height on faith and taqwa. And it never stops, until you pass every test. Until your time finally comes, you are obliged to learn more, to understand more, to do more about your deen.

It is the only way to keep life to remain simple. It won't be if you deny the process. And therefore you deny Allah's love, for it is Allah's way to save your place in heaven. Allah wants you there. It is you who are too slow and too naive and too foolish to understand such real true love.

You don't follow your heart. As much as it is true, it is also prone to deception and it is your fitrah. You don't follow your heart, you follow where syariah leads you to, for it is the guidance Allah had written you to follow so you can arrive safely to your destination. Happiness is not doing what you love. You do what Allah loves, then happiness will come, and sometimes not in the forms you expect to see. As long as you feel Allah, it is happiness. Tears and laughter are just the same beauty.

So I have already a bunch of stuff I love. I have many things going. I used to think they are important. That they are my dzikrullah. My way to praise Allah. My deeds.

I was wrong again.


They are not when I didn't purify my intention for Allah and Allah only. They are not when I said bismillah out of habit. They are only in vain when I felt fulfilled thinking I have produced benefit for people around me. They are not when I feel great about myself and self-satisfied thinking I don't need to learn about my deen anything more than I was taught because this is all good enough.

Astaghfirullaha wa atuubu ilaihi.

Now, I don't see them of any importance as they were before. All the work, the achievements, the skills, the idealism, the dedication and love of this and that. It is how you behold your jihad through them that matters. Achievement is just another test. I never brought benefit to anyone, it was Allah who gave it to them through me. The love and dedication was poured to the wrong matter. It is to Allah and nothing but Allah it must go, proven by deeds. The skills are not mine. They were lent to me as an amanah. My being is a waqaf. Someday all will be taken from me, leaving me nothing but, hopefully, kalimah tawheed in my mouth as my last breath left my chest.

"Allahumma inni 'abduka, ibnu 'abdika, ibnu amatika, naasiyati biyadika, maadhin fiyya hukumuka, 'adhlun fiyya qadha'uka asaluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka, sammaita bihi nafsaka, aw an-zaltahu fi kitabika, aw 'allamtahu ahadan min khalqika, awista'tharta bihi fi 'ilmil-ghaibi 'indaka, an taj'alal-Qur'ana Rabbi'a qalbi, wa nura sadri, wa jalaa'a huzni, wa dhahaba hammi."

"Oh Allah, I am Your servant, the son of Your servant, the son of your maid-servant, and entirely at Your service. You hold me by my forelock. Your Decree is what controls me, and Your Commands to me are just. I beseech You by every one of Your Names, those which You use to refer to Yourself, or have revealed in Your Book, or have taught to any one of Your creation, or have chosen to keep hidden with You in the Unseen, to make the Qur’an Al-Karim the springtime of my heart, the light of my eyes, the departure of my grief, and the vanishing of my affliction and my sorrow."

Astaghfirullaha wa atuubu ilaihi.

Pejaten, 30 Maret 2014, menuju sepertiga malam.