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It's been long enough since I left this story on halt. I was more than happy to put an ending. The thing was, I didn't know how's the ending. But like every story in life, it eventualy must come to an end. I always hope it's a happy one. But I gotta be ready for anything. After all, a closure is all that I want.

Where was I? Ow, yes. I finally pulled my guts to send her an email. I had no expectation. Is the email still alive? Maybe, maybe not. If it's alive, will I get response? If I do, what will it be like? Is she still the same girl I once knew?

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From: Riana
To: trully
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2005 8:04 AM
Subject: test

test

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From: trully
To: Riana
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2005 4:38 AM
Subject: Re: test

test juga

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From: Riana
To: trully
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2005 3:22 PM
Subject: Re: test

ini Ully bukan?

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From: trully
To: Riana
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2005 11:39 PM
Subject: Re: test


kirim emailnya ke ully bukan? ;)
tumben nih... apa kabar Riana? masih tinggal di Tomang?

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Yep, I got response, alright. The email address is still alive and she remembers me. We continued catching up on Yahoo Messenger. We swapped stories about life and family in general. She's married with one child, works in Atlanta as a web developer, still an Indonesian citizen, waiting for her greencard. The rest I already knew from her journal.

Now what? I should be happy, right? I mean, she's open, she talks to me, she still remembers those baking time we had together.

"Inget gak kita dulu suka ngumpul nyobain resep :)"
"siapa sih yang bisa lupa dulu kita sering cobain resep?"

Call me crazy lunatic self-centered drama-queen whatever. But, yes, I still didn't feel 'it'. I think we didn't connect like we used to. I think (maybe this is just me, having the past experience haunting me) our conversation was cold and awkward and unnatural. There's no "whoa, she's back". There's no chemistry.

Then I realized maybe I AM crazy. Maybe the world was fine now. And I was the one who had a cuckoo in my head. Maybe the problem was: I didn't trust her enough. I was hurt once, I was affraid to trust her again. My defense mechanism worked to protect my heart from bleeding again by accusing her of being awkward and cold, no matter how friendly and warm her response was.

So I figured out I need to see Tia. Although we always keep in touch, we never really sit down long enough to unload some real complete stories about everything. I need to unload this on her and see what she says. She might complete some holes here and there, and I might get the closure I want. Whatever it is.

So I made contact with Tia and asked her to get together for a nice girl talk somewhere. Well, well, busy life delayed the girls-party until almost a year. But then we finally met. One afternoon at EX, Plaza Indonesia. While chewing Old Chang Kee's fried squids (man, that's the best snack!), and sipping ginger tea and Hauyang (was it the name?), we caught up until late at night. We swapped stories so intensely we totally forgot about dinner. Girls.

Tia listened to this whole story (some parts she already knew), starting right where I began: the three-names-label I found at my parents' house. After I finished, I went for my closure:

Apakah dia pernah gak suka sama gue? Or gue ada bikin salah yang bikin dia gak suka sama gue?
"Gak tuh."
Tapi foto loe ada, foto gue gak ada.
"Don't be silly. Kan selepas SD emang gue sama dia jadi lebih deket, karena elo sekolah siang, sementara gue dan dia sekolah pagi. Otomatis gue dan dia lebih sering main, dan kita les gitar bareng. Dan gue nyomblangin doi sama blablabla.." (we both continued laughing together at the past)

Tapi dia nyuekin gue di bis.
"Gue yakin karena saat itu dia lagi jadian sama that boy. Pasti risih sendiri aja karena elo mantannya that boy." (Amazing how teenage sillines can summon all the power to ruin a relationship. Amazing how humans with brains fell for it.)

Tapi di YM juga dia kaku gitu.
"Ke gue juga gitu kok. Soalnya dia online karena kerja. Apalagi karena terkadang dia kerja di rumah, jadi kayaknya sibuk nyambi ngurus anak juga. Biasalah, kita juga gak betah chatting kan kalo banyak kerjaan."
Iya ya, gue ama elo aja gak pernah chatting (starting to realize how accute my drama-queen disease this time).

So do you think we're ok? (I can trust her again? I said in mute mode)
"Yeah. I think you're both ok. In fact, she kept asking if I finally got together with you. She said she doesn't have many friends there, she envies that we both can meet anytime we want, just like we used to do when we were kids."

I decided that was sufficient for my closure. I couldn't ask for better comfort. I know there were parts where Tia was just being a good friend, trying to rationalize for my sanity. That's ok. It's the unloading that set me free.

So here I am, finishing my story. Healing my old wound, the one I never quite realized of being existed. All must come to an end. And I'm ending my long-time confusion, getting me back my faith in a friend, that I should never ever lose in the first place.

It'll be nice if someday the three of us can get together and bake again. Maybe we'll be like, what, 50 years old? It's cool to see three grannies baking cookies together, just like they used to do forty years ago back in elementary school. Forty years ago. Sounds like another life. When everything seemed to be so much easier. I am looking forward to that moment.

Thursday, June 08 2006 | 01:49 AM
To my girl friends, wherever you are
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